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(no subject)  
07:25am 19/09/2007
 
 
emeraldenergy
My mom wants to know what i want for my birthday. I have no thoughts for her. I just am glad I'll be home this year and can spend it with them. Especially considering I'm feeling all alone up here again. I don't know if anyone even knows my birthday is coming up. Whatever.
 
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(no subject)  
10:34am 18/09/2007
 
 
emeraldenergy
Wow, I'm pretty teary today. It’s been going on for longer than I’d like to admit. Each relationship failure just further confuses me and makes me wonder. What am I doing wrong? I’ve felt lately that maybe I’m evil or cruel. There are situations where I don’t like a person, for whatever reason, and I have friends who make me feel like I’m being wrong for not liking an individual. What I don’t get is I have some great friends. Some people are absolutely MEAN to these great friends, so I’m not friendly to these mean people. Yet my friends are willing to be NICE to the exact people who’re mean TO THEM! Then I feel like I’m a bitch for not being friendly. Maybe I shouldn’t give a shit anymore. Just let these mean people treat my friends like crap and I’ll continue to be nice to these mean people and talk to them.

That’s so not me.

It’s also funny how some people can warn you about others and you don’t really listen. You’ll have to make huge mistakes for yourself and get hurt…. To see maybe they were right.

It’s also funny how you can try and guard yourself from hurt by alienating yourself from certain people and avoid certain relationships…. Yet you still wind up getting hurt anyway.
 
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(no subject)  
11:37am 22/06/2007
 
 
emeraldenergy

 
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(no subject)  
11:54am 12/06/2007
 
 
emeraldenergy

I've been doing a lot of thinking.  I think thinking is the devil.  Nothing good ever comes from it actually.  I guess it sucks to know I annoy people because I'm loud or too blunt.  I guess I don't see the point anymore in trying to be fake and nice to others to sugar-coat things for them.  I can't really expect people to like me, but knowing I annoy that many people sucks!!  That's never cool.  

I've always had crushes and someone to like.  I wonder if I have these crushes because I try to keep myself from getting hopes up and getting hurt in the end.  However, I still wind up getting really freaking hurt.  More and more as I get older and develop a crush on someone new.  The crush is more and more intense and I get more and more emotionally involved which I wind up getting hurt in the process.  It's like you can put someone on a pedestal without even knowing that you're doing it.  They're meeting all of your wants for a mate, and whether or not it's true, it's totally how you feel and it becomes true in a way.   

No, that's not what I'm trying to say, I'll have to think about it.   Regardless, I'm left feeling a bit glum and pretty sad actually.  Just wondering when I'll meet that someone out there for me.  Also has me analyzing whether or not something is wrong with me as to why I haven't met someone yet.... Why the only people that truely love me are my friends.  Guys seem to only want one thing form me and that's ass.... or to play games.  I'm so tired of games.  I want someone to like me for me, and not because he wants a piece or because he wants to be in a relationship.  I want someone emotionally and overall mature.  Someone who I can have fun with, but still be realistic that we're adults now.  Someone who gets me to try new things, things that I'm a little scared to try, but could be a whole lot of fun, someone who wants to travel, wants a family one day, someone.....


ok I'm going to stop.  Should get back to training anyway. 

 
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(no subject)  
10:50am 11/06/2007
 
 
emeraldenergy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA AND JESSICA!!!!

I love both of you.

Melissa, can u believe I don't know what the fuck your new last name is???  What the hell is it?
 
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(no subject)  
07:43am 07/06/2007
 
 
emeraldenergy

Ok yeah it's been awhile...


I don’t know, I'm annoyed with people in my group.  I’m tired of being the one everyone bitches to about their work problems (in my group).  It’s annoying especially when someone bitches about how busy they are.  The you’re constantly aware of how much fucking time in a day they waste talking to this person for 2 hours, this person for 3, another here for 2….. no wonder YOU can’t get your job done, DUH.  I mean, I KNOW I spend time during the day to not work, to de-stress a bit, so I can focus later, like I am right now by venting… But, come on…. 5 minutes here and there is totally different from 3 2-hour gossiping sessions throughout the day….  What makes matters worse is that in this situation, I got more work because someone was ‘too busy’ and didn’t have the time to work on the program.  So I’ve got another 2 programs to my load and they’re minus some, but still waste ¾ of the day doing jack shit.

If you spent ¼ of the time you normally do on e-mailing, surfing the web, staring blanking at your monitor, and ¼ of the time f-n gossiping you could get all of what your job entails DONE…  THEN you wouldn’t have to come bitch to me about it.

 

I guess part of what is making me even MORE emotional is knowing my dad has some malignant tumors that he needs to get removed… like 12 of them.  That’s not going over very well considering my mom already had cancer removed from her lung and she still smokes.  I have a gyno appt for tomorrow and I have the same usual worry.  Will this time be the time the results come back abnormal again and I get to have another bioposy?  Ugh……  

 

 

 

 

 

 

mood: annoyedannoyed
 
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(no subject)  
07:23am 19/04/2007
 
 
emeraldenergy
I understand everyone has beliefs and opinions.  I don't get why they have to be voiced right now?  Some of us need to grieve first.
mood: morosemorose
 
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there are no words  
06:58am 18/04/2007
 
 
emeraldenergy

 
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(no subject)  
01:49pm 16/04/2007
 
 
emeraldenergy
Still sucks about that program.  I can't help but still be extremely disappointed.  Ugh.
On another note, it's tad depressing to know the only ones who asked about my meeting were Dave and Matt.  No one else gave a shit, even my mom.  I had only been freaking out about it all week and super stressed.  Good to know people freaking care. :-(
 
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(no subject)  
08:41am 11/04/2007
 
 
emeraldenergy
Boo.... so a program that was coming up at work just went to another engineer.  I can't help but be bummed even though I probably wouldn't be able to multi-task on three programs like that.  I was really interested in this one too! :-(  I'm starting to not like my Non-Lethal program... I'm wondering if it's the complete responsibility (of not fucking up) or the annoying as hell people I have to deal with, but regardless my headaches are getting annoying as hell.  My vision is blurry and my head is throbbing.  I need to prepare for my debriefing tomorrow which in other words will be a bitch fest.  
There really isn't anything else to prepare for it.  I've gone over the technical evaluation like 45 times and nothing is changing other than wording.  Maybe I'll do a mock presentation tonight.  HAHA Who am I kidding....
mood: aggravatedaggravated
 
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